If Only
by Bluebell Field
Summary: Ron goes for a long walk to nowhere to reflect on an event that left him wandering 'If Only.'


A/N: Anoher angsty one shot. I have been going through a really, really tough time at the moment. I have had a lot of angst in my life at the moment and this was written to basically reflect on a recent event that has left me in shock and despair.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

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**If Only**

He just kept on walking along the road, not knowing where he was going, or where he was headed. His head was down, watching his feet disappear and reappear as he walked.

It was a bitterly cold day and his coat was buttoned up to keep the cold away. His tatty old school scarf was wrapped carefully around his neck, the ends trailing in the wind. He clenched his fists in his pockets as he treads in a puddle. He muttered something incoherent and walked on, ignoring his now soaked trouser leg.

He just wanted to walk where his feet took him. He didn't care where he went as long as his feet took him far away from there as possible.

There, is his home or what was his home. No, he can't go back there. Not after what happened, not after that. His head was faced downwards, looking at the ground he was walking on. He watched as he kicked the gravel and stones with his feet as he moved them, forcing them to move. He felt forced, he felt forced to leave his home, his comfort because of what happened.

No, he couldn't think like that. He had to be strong. He kept thinking about that night, that fateful night. Two nights ago he had no idea about what was going to happen. If he had, he would have done everything in his power to stop it. But he didn't and he couldn't. He couldn't do a thing to stop it.

He wasn't even there when it happened. He was working late. Guilt was running through his mind. Every second felt like a hard blow to the heart. He could have prevented it from happening if he had got home from work on time. He could have stopped it, but no. He had to stay behind and finish his work. He chose to stay behind and finish his work. He could have gone home, but he chose not to. He could have come home early due to the headache he had, but he chose to stay.

All those decisions he made during that one day changed his life forever. He didn't know what was going to happen, of course he didn't. Know one knew.

But what has happened, happened and he can't change it no matter how much he tries to. The time turner won't work this time. He has to face the fact; she is not coming back.

He wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. It's not his fault she is gone, surely he must know that? He couldn't have predicted it, he couldn't have known.

So why does he feel guilty?

Because he didn't have a chance to say goodbye. He didn't get the chance to say goodbye. He didn't know that the last time he saw her, would indeed be his last. He didn't know that the last smile he saw, would be the last. He didn't know that the last laugh he heard, would be the last. He especially didn't know that the last kiss he had, earlier that morning would be his last.

He replayed the last moments with her in his head. '_If only I was in a better mood, if only I had done this instead of this…if only…'_ If only, he keeps thinking. If only he had done this, if only he had done that. If only doesn't really mean anything, he didn't do them. He didn't know at the time that the time that he was with her that day would be the last. He thought he would be able to see her again and be happier, be able to laugh and joke, but he can't. He can't go on thinking 'if only.'

He looked up to the sky and watched the clouds moving overhead. He could just stare up there all day, and be lost in the ever-changing sky. There is a silver lining in every cloud, but he couldn't see any silver, just grey.

He felt raindrops on his face, slowly at first but then it began to fall heavily. He walked on. He was getting wet but he didn't care. He just kept on going, walking towards nowhere. His trouser legs were becoming drenched, and where sticking to his leg but he didn't care.

He just wanted to walk; no spot of rain was going to spoil his walk. He heard a rumble of thunder in the distance and a few seconds after saw a bright flash of lightning. The rain began to fall harder. His hair was flattened down and was sticking to his face. The raindrops were mixing with his tears.

He wondered about the old phrase, _everything happens for a reason'. _How could there be a reason for this? What possible reason could there be for this? There was no reason and if there was, he hadn't found it yet. How can there be a reason for something so cruel? What reason could be given for something like this, for someone so young?

He wondered why he was so complacent about it before. He hears about these things happening all the time, but what with her surviving the war he thought that nothing could happen. He was wrong. He was so wrong. He thought that it wouldn't happen because she was strong, she could defend herself. He was wrong. She was taken by surprise and didn't have her wand to help her. She was taken so suddenly and he didn't even have a chance to say his goodbyes. Taken instantly from him, like a click of a finger and she went as quickly as she came.

She was gone, and there was no bringing her back. If only he had the chance, the one chance to say goodbye then his mind would be at ease. If only he could have been a little happier when he saw her last then maybe he wouldn't feel so bad.

His Hermione was gone, killed so suddenly that he wasn't with her when she died. He was at work. She wouldn't be able to get married, she wouldn't be able to experience the joys of motherhood. She wouldn't be able to see the children she could have had grow up, and soon give her grandchildren. No, she won't have that. She won't be able to experience that.

He still wondered on, going to the direction of nowhere trying to find something that cannot be found. Trying to find the answers to questions that cannot be answered.

He wondered on, and on, and on trying to find something to hold on to.

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Thanks so much for reading x 


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